Anxiety and...prayer

Sitting in a circle with a bunch of Christians; discussing prayer requests, God's goodness, how the previous week went and what the week ahead will bring. Of course someone has managed to divert the conversation and now the group is talking about "that" video on Facebook. 

Then the words "ok, let's pray" 

Now, I'm not sure what happens in anyone else's body when those words are spoken but for some reason I lose all ability to articulate my thoughts, my palms become extremely sweaty and my heart rate rapidly increases. 

This results in me uttering the words that, after years of avoiding praying out loud, leave a bad taste in my mouth...

 "I don't want to pray out loud" 

I often receive looks of confusion from those who don't feel the same angst however I also receive knowing, thankful glances of those who are just as terrified as me! 

I then sit in the circle not listening to the prayers of others instead beating myself up for not praying while at the same time a sigh of relief spreads through my body as I wait for the final amen. 

...

The first time I prayed out loud in front of others I could barely hear myself think. There was this part of my brain that was telling me I was doing it wrong, telling me to quit while I was ahead because no one else understood me, the part that was saying my voice didn't matter. It was safe to say that prayer lasted all of two seconds and it actually ended with, and I quote "eh, yeah ok, um, haha amen" 

I'm sure that not everyone is a smooth operator when it comes to prayer, in fact, I know they aren't! My Christian friends have often hesitated, stuttered, laughed uncontrollably and even said "oops" during a prayer. 

That first time didn't stop me from having a good old go at praying out loud but still I could probably only count with two hands the amount of times I have prayed out loud in front of people. 

Sometimes I have only met the people I'm praying with 10 minutes before we are to pray, surprisingly this makes it easier, I don't know if they are affluent prayers or if they are just as worried as me, therefore I can rehearse my prayer over and over in my head while they are talking and then speak it like it's just coming to me and I'm the most natural prayer to ever exist. 

Other times it's a lot more difficult because everyone has already prayed all the good points or I'm surrounded by the people that know I don't tend to pray so I tell myself that everyone will make a massive deal out of it when I do. They won't, but I can't help but think they will. 

...

Relaying my fears to others come with mixed responses, I am greeted with knowing smiles of people who know what it's like to almost feel the blood become heavy inside and rush through your body, others nod in agreement as they tell me "it's ok" because they get nervous too.

On the other hand there have been numerous occasions I am told "but you're talking to God, don't worry what others think" 

I know that, I know that I have a relationship with God and that he loves me whether I'm inarticulate or not, however that does not just inhibit me from feeling nervous, scared, worried or sick when I'm asked to pray out loud. 

Another reply is "when you do it often enough it will become second nature". 

Prayer is second nature. 

I pray in the car, I pray in the shower, I pray before bed, I pray during lectures, I pray. 

I love talking to God, He's my Father, my Friend and my King. 

I haven't gotten over it, I haven't had some miraculous brain makeover that means I no longer have a feeling of dread. I still feel sick when I have to pray with others, my heart feels like it's going to come out of my chest and and my brain goes into overdrive but I can do it. 

The thing is praying out loud in front of people is something I will probably always struggle with but now I know there are days when I can do it, it's not the smoothest, longest, most intellectual prayer and my heart isn't always fully in it because I'm too worried what others think but I'm still bringing my prayer to God, after all it's what he tells us to do. 

"Pray without ceasing" 1 Thessalonians 5:17 

I'm learning to put less pressure on myself when praying in a group and the days that I feel confident or when I know exactly what I want to pray about that's when I can manage to force down that barrier and let it all out. 

Prayer is personal.

Through prayer I have strengthened my relationship with God, He is with me wherever I go and I am positive of that because I talk to Him. I can praise Him, I can thank Him, I can confess to Him and I can ask Him anything!