The 23rd of July 2019...I was finally about to experience that moment of pure relief and pride that comes with successfully walking across the stage at a Graduation Ceremony.
'Debbie Mercer - BA(Hons) Musical Theatre : First Class'
Now, doesn't that have a lovely ring to it.
I'm not writing this post because I want everyone to congratulate me on getting a university degree, lots of people have degrees and lots of people are to be congratulated.
I'm writing this for myself, to myself, from myself.
I have lived a lot of my life unable to be proud of what I have achieved because I've not met the standards of success that my surroundings have set for me.
The day of my graduation was intensely sweaty due to it being the hottest day of the Summer '19 heatwave and it was the first time I'd felt proud of an academic qualification since I got a C in GCSE Maths. My pride come from overcoming so many things that just seemed so impossible for me.
Leaving home and going to university was a massive deal. I had tried it once before and well...that didn't go very well.
I am a home bird; I miss my mum too much, my boyfriend, my friends, my comfort zone. However, I put on those big girl pants (almost) every day for three years and I achieved some things that were much bigger than a degree.
I made new friends:
To the average Joe, that might not seem all that impossible buuuuut, I must admit, I was comfortable with my current friends. I was happy that they were back home and I could just call them up...who am I kidding(!?), I could text them and check in every so often. I came with the attitude to get my degree and get out!
Little did I know these pesky little strangers would become my best pals!
I moved into halls and made my first ever friend! She was just as afraid to go into the kitchen as I was but she was bright, bubbly and friendly and I choose to live with her for 2 more years, so she mustn't have been that bad!
I went to the Christian Union, and I'm not gonna lie...that was a slow burner.
It was odd enough for me to make one friend let alone a whole bunch all at the same time. A couple of months of intense socialising isn't really for someone like me but that's where I met this weirdo who pretty much forced me to move in with her when all her 3rd year mates would move out. I don't think either of us realised just how much we were alike and how close we would become!
She also needed 4 more gals to complete her final year housing situation and that's when I met my housemates for the next two years! I met 3 beautiful blondes who soon became my...dare I say it, friends!
I became more involved in CU as the years went by and I'm glad I did. I didn't just grow in my relationship with God but I met my little NI besties when they walked in the doors as freshers one year after I did!
If you thought CU was a slow burner wait 'til you hear about my course!
I thought this would be a difficult place for me to find people like me. I didn't expect people to think like me or hold similar views so pretty much wrote this one off. And...I was right
They weren't like me...in the BEST possible way!
These people challenged me, laughed with me, cried with me and pushed me to be better as an artist, performer and a person. I faced some opposition but I was generally surrounded by people who, I think, actually liked me and accepted my beliefs, my values and my sass.
My bestie wasn't my bestie until year 2!
A few of my friends left in first year (sad!) but I worked with and made friends with the kindest, most talented and loveliest people I will ever know. I am rooting for them all, even though I live in a different country!
I was the vice-president of the CU:
This paragraph isn't all about how wonderful I am because I held a title in CU. As much as it may surprise some of you, I'm a background kinda gal. Once I became more confident and comfortable, I aimed to be friendly, I instinctively tidied up after meetings and thanked God every day that I had a safe place that kept me grounded whilst I was at Uni...in a different country...studying a course that could potentially weaken my faith.
I needed CU
...and God provided me with such a fruitful and encouraging experience.
I never imagined myself a regular at CU, let alone serving on the committee. God really took me out of my comfort zone here but He called me and I DONT KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME but I followed Him and prayed hard.
It came with challenges too; University is such an experimental and impressionable time, you could become a completely new person if you wanted, give yourself a boujie new nickname even! However, being a little older, and having already attempted once before, I had a different perspective on my time at University, I knew who I was and asked God to use me with those two years behind me to an advantage.
Of course, where there is a group of people serving and worshipping God, the devil is at his work. There were times when sin, mine and others, could take hold but ultimately we all worked together and aimed to serve God and spread His good news on Campus.
Grateful for the highs, lows and everything in between.
I studied Musical Theatre:
Ok so this one doesn't sound too bad. I pretty much got to live like I was in a Musical for 3 years but this came with its challenges.
The biggest being my anxiety.
I HATE ice-breakers, I HATE being the centre of attention(mostly), I HATE peer feedback, I HATE having inhibitions, and honestly, my experiences of Stage Schools, my Performing Arts A-Level and any sort of drama situations have left me an anxiety-riddled mess.
So legit, the fact I lasted 3 years doing these things pretty much everyday, blooows my mind. However, I LOVE learning, I LOVE Musicals, I LOVE singing, acting and dancing so you see my predicament!
In hindsight, my anxiety did hold me back.
Every time I was in a practical class my heart was pounding, my thoughts racing, my knees sweaty and my breath short. In groups I could hold myself together but when I had to 'perform' individually I froze, I felt uninspired, uncreative and like a deer caught in headlights.
I was quiet and unmemorable, which for my anxiety brain is goals but for me, not. a. mood.
If I had a time-machine and an anxiety switch; I would go back, turn that switch off and push myself more! Don't get me wrong, I had my moments of breakthrough, I found myself in situations I didn't like a got out of them and I wasn't a talentless doormat BUT I didn't make the most of every situation and I put it down to two things; anxiety and missing home.
I didn't want to cut short time at home with my family by putting myself up for probable valuable experiences at uni! My family and time at home were getting me through this course.
I needed to make my mum proud and I needed a big hug from her at every opportunity.
Another challenge in Musical Theatre is the broad and controversial topics that I would be surrounding myself with every day.
Some days it was harder to hold myself accountable than others; it was just easier to go along with the blasphemy, harder to witness to others and harder to separate 'acting' from reality.
I mentioned earlier about being accepted no matter what my beliefs, but of course there were times when I just disagreed with people because of my faith, or a 'closed minded Christian' label was stuck on me without a question or thought, or when I did judge when the Bible tells me not too.
This is when I needed friends, family, CU and church but it was tough on my faith, it was tough on my person.
I prayed every day on my commute. I met so many people who were fighting their battles, big and small and that 40 minute round trip allowed me to talk to God and ask for help and guidance, for me and my friends.
Studying Musical Theatre also meant I was able to gain the invaluable skills that are the foundation of my career. Hoping to avoid this sounding like the personal statement portion of my CV; the theory, along with the practical allowed me to expand my knowledge and most importantly, it allowed me to pursue the career I dreamed of.
My university journey was an experience that, at the time, felt like the longest three years of my life, however, in the midst of the essay writing and performing there were moments of fun, joy, excitement and overwhelming happiness created by the people I met along the way. Now I am out the other side, loving being at home and inexplicably grateful to God for leading me somewhere I didn't want to go and never leaving my side the whole time.
I leave you now with some final thoughts...
I left University with more than a degree; I left with new friends, a different mindset, a little bit scared of what lay ahead and of course, a couple more life skills:
Compassion: people go through some hard times, treat them well.
How to make Hot Choc: Don't put a mug of HC in the microwave for too long or you'll be washing it out of every nook and cranny trying to avoid the broken ceramic 3 mins later.
Pray: Pray for your friends, listen to what they're going through and pray.
Be yourself: If you feel like your people are judging you for who you are, get new people.
Empty the Bins: When you first think about emptying them, do it, because suddenly it's 3 days later and then you really won't want to do it.
Be kind to you: It's okay to take a nap after a long day (even if that 'day' only lasts a couple of hours) and if you want a Toby Carvery, get a Toby Carvery. (Toby, I miss u x)
Freezing leftovers: Don't put leftovers in there, you'll put them in the bin 9 months later.
Appreciate the people you love: There are these special people in life who support you even when you're far away; text them, love them, thank them and appreciate them.
Cooking: Close kitchen door when you cook and learn how to turn off the fire alarm.
Change a Tyre: It takes roughly 4 students to change a tyre.
Strength: Don't give up.
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